Holding Out For a Hero
by TheGirlWhoRemembers
Summary: Saving the world changes things. Or, five women with regrets and one without.


AN: This contains relatively small references to Confessions of a Teenage Starfleet Cadet, A Tale of Two Ensigns, Diary of a Lieutenant To Be and Heroes Are Made. No knowledge is needed.

* * *

><p>It was in the week before he returned to space on the Enterprise when he saw her again. They were at some formal dinner or the other, he can't even remember now. All he remembers is how beautiful she looked in that dress, how bright the smile on her face had been.<p>

Such a difference to when he'd last seen her. She'd been crying, screaming, her hair mussed and tangled.

Her name was Keiko Sawaki. She was in his karate class, and they also went to school together. Being seventeen, they'd dated behind their parents' back for almost three months. Then her father found out.

Her father was a wealthy businessman. His father was not. Her family was one of the richest in the area. His was just another of the middle-class families living out the American dream. It would never, ever work out. She'd told him, almost from the beginning, because when you're seventeen you believe you'll be together forever, that their relationship was forbidden, her father wanted her to marry a clever, wealthy, well-connected young man, an heir to his business empire. He may have been clever, but in no way was he wealthy or well-connected.

The last time he'd seen her, she'd been fighting with her father. He'd snuck out at night to see her, but somehow, her father had found out. She'd been shouting and screaming at him.

'_Father, there's nothing wrong with Karu! He's kind, he looks after me and I love him!'_

'_He is nobody, Keiko. They say the boy has his head in the stars or in his plants.'_

'_But I love him, father. Doesn't that mean anything to you?'_

'_You are too young to be in love, Keiko. You do not know what love is.'_

He'd left. He'd just left, run away. He'd left her a letter. A real letter, written on real paper. He never got a reply. He left, that very week, for Starfleet Academy. He hadn't left because he was heartbroken; it had been planned for months. But he left early and he never walked past her house again, never went to the places that she'd always gone, places they'd always gone together.

He didn't think he'd ever see her again. San Francisco is a large city. He tried, tried so hard, dating girl after girl. But he never forgot her. So four years later, when he's a hero come home, when he sees her again, he is tempted to try again and hope for second time lucky. Perhaps now, a saviour of the Federation, her father will see reason.

But she smiles and laughs at something the young Japanese man in the well-cut, doubtlessly expensive suit next to her says, and his courage falters. He's been gone four years. Outside of fairytales, no one waits that long. And his life is not a fairytale.

As he leaves, she comes up to him. She smiles.

'Excuse me sir, but I think you dropped this.'

She hands him a folded piece of paper. She leaves, without giving any sign of recognition.

He goes home. He unfolds the piece of paper and reads it.

_Dear Karu,_

_I'm sorry._

_It's too late for us now. I'm not unhappy._

_Please don't try to rescue me. Our lives are not a fairytale._

_Love, always,_

_Keiko_

He examines the other side of the paper. It's a wedding invitation. Seized with manic rage, he tears the sheet apart and buries it by the red rose bush in the front garden. It doesn't make him forget.

* * *

><p>When he told her, she'd been seventeen. She was about to leave for university in Moscow, bright and with a good future ahead of her. He was about to leave for Starfleet Academy, a genius with the stars at his feet. He was thirteen.<p>

She'd reacted just like any other seventeen year old had to a thirteen year old boy's crush. She'd stared at him strangely, laughed perhaps, ignored him. He was just the freaky nerd boy in her Physics class. He was just the enthusiastic boy who got full marks for every test, corrected the teacher and got beaten up every week or so by a few of the other boys. He was a nobody and she'd been pretty and popular and dating one of those boys.

Then she returned to their hometown four years later, freshly graduated from university, freshly out of a bad breakup with her boyfriend. On the whole, more or less the same as she'd been four years ago.

He's home too. Except now he's not that skinny, nerdy little boy anymore. He's seventeen, almost grown up, handsome and a hero. She decides to pay Pavel Chekov a visit.

His mother answers the door. She tells her that Pavel is on the communicator at the moment, but that he should be done in a moment. She invites her in and she stands slightly awkwardly at the door.

Pavel is speaking to someone. A girl, about his age, of Asian appearance. They're arguing, in a friendly, comfortable way, about some sort of difficult- sounding physics theory, one that she can't quite wrap her head around. She'd never been the greatest with physics; she was good, but not great. Not like he is. Not like this girl is. Then he glances at the clock beside him and exclaims his surprise. The girl does the same.

'See you soon, Pavel. I love you.'

'I love you too, Ellen. Only one more veek, zen back to ze stars.'

He ends the communication.

She doesn't wait to see anymore. She slips out the door before he can notice her presence. It's not as if she expected him to still have that little crush, after four years. She couldn't expect him to wait for her to come to her senses. He couldn't expect her to wait for him to grow up. He's changed so much these four years; he's probably a whole different person. No, there's no way she could expect him to still like her. Well, maybe she did, but he's a hero now, he's famous and isn't she reacting just like any girl will? She's just out of a breakup, she just wants company.

No, she was being silly; there are plenty of fish in the sea, so to speak. There are better men out there, ones without their heads in the stars, ones that aren't four years younger, still skinny as hell and talk about nothing but physics. She goes home and decides to brush up on her physics; she might need it for her new job. But she thinks wryly, he seems to have found himself another whiz kid of a girlfriend. She'd never stand a chance now.

* * *

><p>She'd been the one to end it. Well, perhaps not in exact terms. It wasn't exactly a one-sided divorce. When Clay Treadway had come back into town, she, feeling trapped in a dysfunctional marriage to an almost-alcoholic doctor who was never home and had the emotional sensitivity of a rock and the bedside manner of sandpaper, had not been able to resist. She had married early, young and in love, and a daughter had followed in quick succession. Perhaps too quickly. It had all been a whirlwind, they'd been young, and it had been a mistake.<p>

When he'd discovered the affair, their marriage had been over in all but name only. They'd ceased to be a couple a long time ago. But that had been the final nail in the coffin. She'd filed for divorce, he went and drank and she got everything, including custody of Joanna. She doesn't look back and she has no regrets.

At least, not until he comes to visit Joanna for the first time. He's been gone four years. It's been four long years, she's had Clay by her side, but she finds that even he is not as good as she thought he was. Cracks are beginning to show again, and she worries that perhaps her relative happiness will not last. Joanna is growing up, becoming more and more like her father every day.

So when he shows up, sober, clean and dressed better than she'd seen for years, not looking a day older than when he left, perhaps even younger, and a hero to boot, she can't be blamed for feeling a small sliver of regret.

When he manages to earn co-operation and respect from Joanna, something she had tried to get for years on end, the sliver doesn't seem so small anymore.

When she and Clay have a fight, something that seems to become a more frequent occurrence of late, something she hates to admit, the sliver suddenly becomes a sizeable chunk.

But it's much too late now. Much, much too late. They've been divorced four years, separate almost since Joanna was born, perhaps never truly in love, just caught up in the fever that grips high school sweethearts. No, it is much too late. Maybe it's been too late ever since she had accepted that marriage proposal, perhaps she should have said they should wait.

But it's too late now. You cannot change the past, you can only move on. They will never have what they had at eighteen again. They're thirty-one now, older and wiser, more bitter and cynical. No, they will never be that Jocelyn and Leonard again. She's Mrs Treadway now, and he's Bones.

She probably hasn't got a chance anyway. If she reads him correctly, and she does know him well, the way his eyes light up when he talks about his Head Nurse on the Enterprise, there's a girl out there younger and prettier than she. There always is. There always will be. No one ever knows a good thing till it's gone.

* * *

><p>She had never felt more alone in her life. She had never felt more bored in her life. She had never felt so unhappy. She wonders how her life would be if she'd made a different choice, way, way back then. Could it have been any worse? She doesn't think so; she's now alone in San Francisco, with barely anything to her name and nowhere to go, far away from her family. She's got money for the shuttle ticket back, but she doesn't want to go back, going back would mean giving up and starting again, giving herself over to charity. She's thirty-six, too old for that.<p>

So she goes to the Starfleet recruiting office. Perhaps she'll find solace in the stars and the job pays decently too. She tells them she's graduated high school, and that she has an Engineering degree. She tells them her name is Finella McNeil and she's looking for a job. It's strange she has no job, she hears them say. Engineers are always in demand. But she's intent to flee Earth and her pain; she's got no want for an Earth-bound existence. She's given a booklet on Engineering in Starfleet. She glances at the first article, by a current Starfleet Engineer.

The name shocks her. _Montgomery Scott. _She hasn't heard that name for years. Not since he left for Starfleet Academy. Not since she...

They are final year university students. They've been best friends for years, since they were very small children. But it all changes when he invited her to dinner. Not their usual takeaway dinners eaten over notes and assignments, a real proper dinner, a _date._ She refuses.

The only secret she's kept from him is she's seeing another guy. He's older than they are, he's got a job and he works for a major intergalactic company. She says he's everything she'd ever wanted.

So then they part. She follows her man around the world, even to other planets. He goes off to Starfleet Academy, graduates, begins his career, loses a beagle and is exiled. They don't expect to meet again. They don't, but they do encounter one another in a manner of sorts.

Now, alone, divorced from the man who was everything she'd ever wanted, with no money and no job, she regrets saying no to dinner. Imagine if she'd said yes, what would her life be now? Imagine if she'd said yes to her best friend, her dearest friend. They say he's a hero now, according to the description under his name. How different would her life be?

But now she doesn't want to see him again. She never wants to hear his name again now. She must stop dwelling on the past, she really must. There's no chance now, no going back, no undoing the past. She chose her path, he chose his, and they must stick to them now.

She puts down the booklet and walks out of the office. She walks to the shuttle station and buys a one-way ticket back to Aberdeen.

* * *

><p>He has made the short journey to the Vulcan Embassy. It is not a necessary task, though he feels that it would be morally praiseworthy and his human side tells him this visit is essential. He has just decided not to resign his commission. He feels that even though his counterpart will handle their part, he wishes to do something as well. Vulcans from all around the galaxy are gathering here for several purposes: to allow a census to be taken, to travel to the new colony and perhaps the most important, to be bonded to allow procreation.<p>

It is here that he sees her again. He did not know of her fate, and was therefore slightly surprised to see her. He felt conflicting, new emotions rise at the sight of her. On one side, he was pleased that she had survived as it meant more Vulcans, but on the other he was displeased at the thought of a woman who had rejected him being alive, in favour of his mother. This confused him.

T'Pring had arranged for their childhood bond and betrothal to be broken when he had turned down the Vulcan Science Academy for Starfleet and left Vulcan. This was an extremely unusual occurrence; generally the breaking of a bond was only done by the female claiming kal-if-fee, but his were unusual circumstances. He had later discovered that she had then been betrothed to Stonn.

However, he had been killed in the destruction of Vulcan, once more leaving her without a bondmate. With the current situation, he knows that she will be almost immediately bonded to another Vulcan male.

For some reason, he feels a strange, illogical satisfaction at this. He had suspected that she had broken the bond partially out of shame at his actions, partially as he was a hybrid and partially because she believed Stonn to be the better mate. She had wanted choice. He cannot blame her. He wanted choice when he did what he did, when he began his relationship with Nyota.

But now she will have no choice. She must do her duty. That gives him that strange, savage satisfaction. But he also believes that he has ultimately proved that he would be a better bondmate than Stonn, though he feels that it is extremely illogical to attempt to impress a female he does not have any wish to begin a relationship with. He has, after all, contributed to the saving of the Federation and the Vulcan High Council. They owe him. Illogical, but this is how he feels. He is half-human after all.

Vulcans are perfectly capable of jealousy, of all feelings. He knows she will not be happy with how events have unfolded. He feels very smug about how they have.

* * *

><p>She sees him almost every day. It hasn't always been like this. Only the last three or so years has she known him. Ever since he'd tried to get her name in that bar, ever since he'd tried to pick her up in that bar and got himself beaten up.<p>

She's sometimes wondered what would have happened if he hadn't tried to hit on her. Perhaps he'd never have joined Starfleet, and they'd have walked straight into the trap. Perhaps they'd all be dead and the Federation would be destroyed. She doesn't want to think about it.

She doesn't regret what happened in the bar, after all, they might not be here if she hadn't gone and bought drinks. People ask her sometimes, if she regrets turning him down. There are many girls out there who would be shocked at her reply.

She doesn't regret it. Not one bit, not in the slightest. Sure, her Captain's a fine-looking specimen, intelligent and saviour of the Federation, but he's cocky and arrogant and a skirt-chaser. But with his new hero status, she's not quite sure who is chasing who more now. It seems he is chasing girls and girls are chasing him. Secretly, she thinks he might prefer how things used to be. Sometimes she wonders whether he chased her for all those years just because she wouldn't let herself fall for his charms, perhaps he likes the challenge. He doesn't believe in no-win scenarios after all.

Sometimes she regrets doubting him so much when he first became Acting Captain. Sometimes she regrets being so cold and cruel to him. Sometimes she regrets never telling him her name, come to think of it, she never has. He only knows from overhearing Spock on the transporter pad. She really should go introduce herself properly, courteously. But she never, ever regrets turning him down in that little bar in Riverside, Iowa. She wouldn't even consider regretting that. She is so glad that she hadn't regretted it.

Her belief is reaffirmed when Spock requests permission to come aboard the Enterprise. He'd told her he was going to the colony, to rebuild his race. She'd promised she'd wait for him. He'd told her not to, he didn't know how long he'd be gone. Unspoken, they both knew that he may well be bonded to another if he returned. She was prepared to take that risk and so was he. They both knew how vital it was for him to help. Then his counterpart presents another path, another way. He takes it. They take it. So he tells her he is going to remain in Starfleet. She is the only one who knows of his inner debate, inner turmoil. No one else, save his counterpart, knew of his consideration in resigning his commission.

So when he walks past her to his station, newly made First Officer, she smiles at him and knows she will never regret her choice.

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><p>Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek. I do not own the song Holding Out For a Hero either.<p> 


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